On Some BULLSHIT!

I was talking with my fellow divas and besides the usual catching up with the latest 'bochinche', we talked about relationships. We discussed how dumb men can be and how dumb they think we are by the excuses they feed us. My ex Rude Boy, (for those who know me know why I call him that but for those who don't its not because he's Jamaican - which he is, its because he's just plain old rude) has done me dirty more times than I can remember but one time he took me for a fool. But talking with the divas, I was not the only one who guys apparently thought women had idiots written on their foreheads. Here's my story (which I thought took the cake; boy was I wrong). I will share theirs as well. You be the judge.

Our utility bill had gone unpaid. When I confronted Rude Boy, he explained to me that he had two unpaid parking tickets that were in judgment that took precedence over the utility bill because the car could be towed. I don't believe him because, well.... he's Rude Boy. So I go to nyc.gov, click on the link where you pay tickets, enter his license plate number (why do I know this info, well when you have someone like Rude Boy as a mate, these things you just need to know) and sure enough two tickets were highlighted in red that were indeed in judgment. Just when I'm about to close the screen I see another ticket, a very recent ticket. I click on the ticket and see its for parking in front of a hydrant at one o'clock in the morning on a street no where near where we live. My women's intuition, inspector gadget hat, FED mode whatever you want to call it kicked in and I checked my phone log. Sure enough that night/morning I was calling him off the hook but he never picked up his phone. I'm HOT at this point. So instead of being the SMART SoChic who would've thrown that bit of information in her back pocket till there was substantial evidence that he was cheating, the EMOTIONAL and HYSTERICAL SoChic calls him up. "Who lives on Cortelyou Rd?" I demand. You know he gives me the what are you talking about bullshit. I don't give him any information besides the fact that I knew he was there that night/morning. He says "What you got a GPS tracking on me now?". Then says "I don't know who saw me but they have me mistaken with someone else". So remember I'm not SMART SoChic at this point. So I blurt out "You got a ticket on Cortelyou Rd a couple of days ago. Who are you fucking over there?" He denies knowing anyone in that area and asks where did I find this ticket. I tell him. Again not a smart move but this is EMOTIONAL SoChic here. This is when he hit me with the dumbest excuse (that I've ever heard from a guy). He says "IT WASN'T ME." What in the SHAGGY hell?? Now, I don't know how parking tickets work outside NYC, but police here have a device where they scan your registration so there are no mistakes. The ticket Rude Boy received was a scanned ticket; therefore no mistakes. This ticket was staring at me in the face clear as day on the website. It was HIS car no questions. Another thing is he lends his precious 'DC' (that's what he calls his car) to no one. He's arguing me down that it was not him. "It wasn't me. It wasn't me." He kept saying it over and over again. I don't know if I'm more upset that he is obviously cheating (not proven as of yet but I finally became SMART SoChic again and later found actual proof that he was really cheating) or that he thought I was going to buy his bogus excuse. Instead of 'DC' we should call the car KITT from Knight Rider because obviously if it wasn't him, the car drove itself there. He then did what all men do - flipped it saying how I was invading his privacy. I should have pulled a Carrie Underwood/Jazmine Sullivan and fucked his 'DC' up and then if he asked did I have anything to do with it - hit him with "IT WASN'T ME!!"

Here goes my divas.....

Diva #1. Its two o'clock in the morning and her boyfriends cell keeps buzzing. He keeps ignoring it. If she can hear it he damn sure can hear it too. He falls asleep. She decides to go through the phone. All messages from a female saying 'I miss you', 'Where are you'. Not thinking, diva wakes up her boyfriend with tears in her eyes and in a hysterical voice asks who is this that is sending him messages. He laughs and says 'I sent them to myself'. He explains he knew she would go through his phone so he went to a website where you can send text messages to a phone. He's basically saying he set her up. This may be true but she knows better. Fine, there is a website that does this but he's no where near a computer and hasn't been by one for the last couple of hours and these texts are recent. She demands an answer. He stammers and says "I have it set on timer".

Diva #2. Her husband has a mechanic who has no specific hours. He decides he wants to pay the mechanic a visit at ten o'clock at night. She goes to bed. Around five o'clock am she turns over and realizes he's not home. She calls his cell but its going straight into voicemail. She begins to worry and at six o'clock she finally gets a call from him from a payphone. He tells her I was carjacked. What, how, when and where?? He was driving and got held at gunpoint by two men. They told him to get in the back while they drove the car around for a few hours. Apparently, they didn't know what to do with him. After a while, the carjackers decide its best to let him go, (carjackers have hearts too). By the way, the car was miraculously found a couple of days later.

Diva #3. She noticed her toddler daughter was playing with a pack of condoms. She asked where she found it and pointed to her husbands briefcase. Being married for some time they no longer used condoms. She confronted him and his response.... he was going to use them as decorations (balloons) for their hotel room for the weekend getaway they were to go on. So she acted like she bought the lame excuse and said okay that's fine but there's one missing from the pack. He said he tested one out by filling it with water to see if it would look better filled with water or without it.

So whose story is more lame or dumb? Being carjacked and taken for a joyride? How about sending phony text messages to yourself? Maybe using condoms as decorations? Or could it be"It wasn't me"?

Either way this is my anthem for 2009. Because men are on some bullshit and guess what from now on SO AM I!!!!!!



Besos,


Ms. SoChic