Night From Hell

Its Labor Day weekend and since we're both single - what better excuse to party. A friend of ours invited us to a party at a place called Alpine Mansion in New Jersey. Why not we thought. How much is it to get in? Free before one but it starts at nine. Sounds cool. So we get the VIP passes and start to get ready for our night out. So before we start with the details of our eventful evening let's start by saying we are in the middle of a recession. So when we MapQuested the directions (no we don't have a GPS system but after that night we already started looking into prices for a Tom-Tom) we chose the cheapest route - no tolls. Hey, we got bills to pay and college loans up the wazoo - every penny counts. So the MapQuest directions start with the Holland Tunnel. Everyone who is from New York or even familiar with the state knows the Holland Tunnel is the WORST!! But fuck it - it's what the directions say. So we head onto the Manhattan Bridge and cross-town on Canal St. Heading towards the tunnel, traffic becomes worse and worse. As we near the tunnel, traffic starts to move up and in a matter of seconds BOOM!!! We hit the car in front of us. We regain composure; make sure we're both okay and check the car out. We are in a '06 Toyota Solara. The grill is pushed back, the Toyota emblem fell off and the hood is lifted on the left side. Shit, calling the insurance company isn't even an option because since we are at fault the premium would go up before we know it not to mention we have mechanics in our family. So we check out the damage on the car in front of us. Now this goes to prove they don't make cars like they used to. We hit a Toyota Camry, maybe an '89 or '90. You know the car only had a few scratches - four or five TOPS!! Now the couple in the Camry is okay and neither of them are hurt but the driver still wants to call the cops. Whatever! So we pull off to the side because we're blocking traffic. So these guys driving past us decide to stop to see if we need help. So of course, we play the damsels in distress roles and the guys ask since we're okay, no one is hurt, and the Camry has no real noticeable damage then why are we waiting for the cops. The guys take it upon themselves to tell the couple they can drive off. We don't protest because we want to get out of there. So mind you, they are three African-American men - mid to late twenties (not really big or intimidating) and the couple in the car is Asian. Now the guys have no intention of strong-arming the couple nor did they come across this way. So as the guys are nearing the Camry all we hear is the ignition start and see that the car is about to pull off. We automatically start laughing hysterically. It was wrong of us to laugh because the poor couple probably feared for their lives but that laugh was exactly what we needed to ease the tension of car accident. At this point, we decide we are still going to this party. Hey, the evening can only get better from here. Humph!! After the Asian couple's scare, (guess they finally realized just because you're a black male doesn't mean you're a goon) the driver decides not to pull off and he comes out the car. One of the guys tells the driver there's minimal damage and since we're not getting our insurance company involved why get the cops involved. The driver says he just wants to follow protocol and just in case and blah blah blah. Cops come and guess what they say "couldn't you handle this amongst yourselves?" Nuff said we get in the car, make a quick u-turn and proceed to the Holland Tunnel. Off to the party we go!!

We finally get through the Holland Tunnel! Sigh! So since we have no sense of direction, of course, we get lost. We're from BROOKLYN; we don't know a thing about Jersey! But we're not afraid to ask for directions. We probably stopped at every other gas station for help. At this point, we just want to get there already. We're still driving when we finally see the sign stating we're entering Alpine! Thank goodness!! We drive past beautiful huge mansions and begin to feel at ease while staring at these houses in awe. Our ease was soon brought on by despair when we see nothing but cars ahead of us. A scene reminiscent to the traffic of the Holland Tunnel. We see a man trying to redirect traffic. We pull up to him, roll down the window and he tells us "ok you've reached the right house but valet parking is going to take forever. You're better off going back and try to find parking on your own." We say ok but ask him where the best spot is. He proceeds to tell us "go around the last turn past Celine Dion's old house." We look at each other and begin to laugh because who the hell knows or even cares where she USED to live??? Fine we make a "uwie" and make that first turn. Much to our surprise, there were nothing but cars parked up the long road. Yeah - BIG shocker. We continue to drive for about another two or three minutes and found a spot. This party better be worth it! So as we get ready to embark on our at least seven minute walk in our stilettos (BK Divas don't wear anything less than four inches) we see a couple of older gentlemen (low to mid forties) walking in the opposite direction. They try to holla. Just as we are ready to pass them by, they are getting into a car and ask us if we want a lift to the party. We quickly changed our tune and followed them into the small coupe. It’s about five of them so OF COURSE we have to sit on their laps. But it beats walking. So after three minutes of sitting on the grandpas' laps, (no funny business – we know how to sit on laps versus crotches), we reach the party. We honestly didn't think this moment would come. So we get out of the car and walk up the driveway towards the mansion. Good there's no line. Now where are those VIP passes? Where ARE the VIP passes? OH SHIT WHERE ARE THE VIP PASSES??? Fuck, they're in the car. No No No No No! There’s nothing left to do but go back down the long road and get them. We walk the seven minutes back to the car, got the passes, then walked the seven minutes back to the mansion. We walk up the driveway and we see that there's a line now. What the hell, we were just here like ten minutes ago. We then realize the time is a few minutes after one. That's when we hear the bouncer say its $100 to get in. Huh??? It was free just 15 minutes ago. How does it jump from free to ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?? But wait a minute, we have VIP passes. We go up to the bouncer and explain to him we have VIP passes. He tells us it’s one hundred dollars for ALL passes. Disappointment, frustration and aggravation start to consume us, but we are not about to beg a bouncer to get in. At this point, there is a massive crowd of people trying to get in who also don’t want to pay the ridiculous amount they’re asking. We call our homeboy who gave us the tickets in the first place. He isn’t at the party yet but is on his way and is going to call his peoples who are already inside. Twenty minutes later our homeboy shows up and stands on line with us. But he isn’t saying anything except he is waiting for his peoples to come out. The disappointment, frustration, and aggravation are reaching a whole new level and now our feet are beginning to hurt. It does not look good. This truly is the definition of Murphy’s Law – what can go wrong will go wrong. Another twenty minutes pass by and we are still waiting for an answer. The crowd begins to dissipate. We see a guy arguing with the bouncer. It’s the comedian Drew Frasier. He tells the bouncer “Come on man, I just went to the outlet and bought these new shoes for this. Alright, alright one hundred dollars? Do you take debit?” We all start laughing. He comes towards us and jokingly says “come on we’re gonna go to Shadow for free.” It’s now going on two o’clock. Drew Frasier leaves. Our entertainment is gone. We are basically standing on a line for a party we are never going to get into unless we cough up the dough. It’s time to give up and we tell our homeboy we’re done and are going home. We walk down the long road back to the car but instead of being upset, we begin to laugh as we recap the night’s events. Here’s the rundown:
Estimate of car repairs ......... $400
Gas .................................. 40
Wendy’s .............................. 8
Tolls getting back home ............ 8
Spending quality time with your BFF and having a crazy story to tell..... PRICELESS!!!!